We are like the child that lives and strives for a time blindly in the womb, but in this dark life of ours, there is a divine instinct, power, and faculty… that noting here can suffice: which shows.. that there is a condition which shall make a man fully happy; there must be a better life, which is, the spiritual life: for this life which we live in the flesh, is a thing of nothing… A Christian furnished with this spiritual life, can see Christ, and glory beyond all things in this life; he can look backwards, make use of all things past, see the vanity of things so admired of others, he can taste things nature doth not relish, he hath strength of reasons beyond all the apprehensions of reason: he is a man of strong working.
—Richard Sibbes “Saints Cordials”

How many of us at some time in our life have kept a diary or journal? Even if only in childhood? Yet many people will faithfully keep a journal year after year after year.
One of the puritan doctrines that was faithfully preached and yet has all but disappeared in our age, is that of self examination. I do not know why this is, unless it is to do with the feel good factor, and that if many of us examined honestly the state of our own hearts, we may be discouraged and downcast and no longer feel good.
The puritan era had many diary keepers; and this wasn’t the usual type of diary entry, but spiritual journals. A record or register of God’s dealings and transactions with us, and of our dealings, with and towards God, including their failings. A look through Richard Rogers diary, and you may get the impression of an introspective miserable creature hung up totally on his failings. Yet, the puritan diarist used these journals also as confessionals. They bore their soul, honestly and openly, to take account of their progress or lack of, and to seek the remedies to their failings.
where the doctrine of self examination has largely disappeared form us today, we too could profit from this habit of diary keeping, and thinking of it almost as a duty.
Would the church be less rich without the record of that suffering servant, David Brainerd? I think so. Out of all of Edwards published works, his diary of David Brainerd outsells the rest.
the puritans were not slow to speak on this subject either.

Richard Baxter in the saints’ Everlasting Rest suggests that when one begins to take stock, “It would not be unuseful to

write out some of the chief and those Scriptures withal which hold them forth, and so to bring this Paper with you when

you come to the examination. (conscience or self-examination)

He also further wrote: “be sure to record this sentence, so passed, write it down: or at least write it in thy memory: At

such a time upon thorough examination, I found my state to be thus or thus: this record will be very useful to thee

hereafter. It thou be ungodly: what a damp will it be to thy presumption and security, to go and read the sentence of thy

misery under thy own hand? If thou be godly: what a help will it be again the next temptation to doubting and fear, to go

and read under thy hand this record.

Isaac Ambrose also suggested the worth and value of keeping such a diary or record: “After supper, when you lie down and

are ready to sleep, and have great quietness and silence, without presence or disturbance of any, then erect a tribunal

for your own consciences.

He continues” “To this purpose we read of many Ancients that were accustomed to keep diaries or day-books of their

actions, and out of them to take an account of their lives: such a register (of god’s dealing towards him, and of his

dealings towards God in main things) the Lord put into a poor creatures heart to keep in the year 1641. ever since which

time he hath continued it, and once a year purposes by God’s grace) to examine himself by it.

Another puritan preacher, Edmund Staunton spoke of a woman whose funeral service he preached at: “She kept a diary of

God’s dealings with her soul, and of those various dispensations she met withal.” It helped her “account for various

vicissitudes of her spiritual progress and the “returns” of grace with which God has chosen to reward her.

John Beadle, the only puritan preacher who wrote a “how to keep a spiritual diary called “Diary of a thankfull

Christian” and used as his text Numbers 33:2 wrote in his own journal:

“every Christian ought to keep a record of his own actions and ways, being full of dangers and hazards; that god might

have the glory. For this command was given Moses… by God Himself; that there might be a remembrance to posterity of

the deliverance’s which God had and would work for his people and so every man though of the meanest quality, may see the

hand of the Divine Goodness work for him in the many occurrences of his life. which, as it may be a register to his own

memory, so it may be an example of gratitude to those who shall read or hear it when they shall reflect upon themselves.

John Fuller, (another puritan) wrote of God setting the pattern and example for the Christian of keeping such a record he

observes that God Himself “kept a diary in the creation of the World, Gen. 1. to president this practice to us. Yea he

keeps a Book of Remembrance for us that think upon his name…Registers our names in heaven, and shall we write down his

name, works, love in water….”

Beadle also expresses similar: “God himself seems to keep a journal by him of all the care he hath of us, the cost he

bestows upon us, and the good things he gives to us. He hath a book of remembrance of every passage of providence that

concerns us. And indeed, the scripture for a great part is little else but a history of his goodness to his people.

Beadles asked: “Where is the man that makes conscience of private fasting and prayers, that shuts himself up in his

closet, and wrestles with God in secret, that his father that seeth in secret may reward him openly? to conclude, how few

are there keep a diary by them of all God’s gracious dealings with them?”

Beadle further enquires of the christian life:

Indeed what is our whole life, but a continued deliverance? We are daily delivered. either from the violence of the creature, or the rage of men,or the treachery of our own hearts; either our houses are freed from firing, or goods from plundering, or our bodies from danger, or our names from reproaches, or our souls from snares.

Some examples of puritan diaries are as follows: John Janeway “kept a Diary in which he did write down every evening what the frame of his spirit had been all day long.”

Edmund Staunton kept “A journal or diary of God’s mercies.”

John Carter “kept a constant diary or day book, in which every day he set down God’s extraordinary dispensations, his own actions, and whatsoever memorable things he had heard, or read that day.”

John Machin “kept a diary of his life which he wrote in Characters” which probably means some form of short hand that only he could understand.

Lord Harrington after supper and after praying with his servants, “withdrew himself into his study, where he ekpt a diary or day book, wherein he recorded what he had done that day; how he had offended, or what good he had done; what temptations he had met with, and how he had resisted them…and for such failings as were fit to be known only to God and his own soul, he wrote them down in a private character, which none could read but himself, and then betook himself to his rest.”

Bishop Burnet, conveyed that even the Lord Chief Justice of England under Charles II, Sir Matthew Hale had had a wild youth, who repented, forsook his former ways, turned to religion, and started to keep a diary in which he set down the plan of each days duties.

It seems to me, that in our day, we know ourselves in reality and our hearts very little; we under estimate or are blind to just how deceptive they are, and how they may betray us. we get caught up in the tide of life and duties such as this get ebbed out, yet it could be this very duty, one of the not so obvious ones that makes all the difference to our spirita l condition and pilgrimage. Calvin in his famous opening paragraph of the Institutes said that man needs a proper knowledge of both God and of himself.
But if taking this up, make sure it is real, authentic and honest; between yourself and God and no one else. And be brutally honest, or it will turn into a sinful activity, of no worth and perhaps to ones detriment.
The diaries that were published of puritan divines, were neveer published till after their deaths; One has nothing to lose and perhaps everything to gain. And if some things are just too personal, that you feel uncofmortable settng iti down on paper, then take the puritan example of using characters or short hand that can only be read by yourslef, and then your privacy can never be intruded upon or it accidentally fall into the wrong hands.

When He Expected to Be Removed from Anwoth

Madam,

My humble obedience in the Lord remembered. Know it has pleased the Lord to let me see, by all appearance, that my labors in God’s house here are at an end; and I must now learn to suffer, in the which I am a dull scholar. By a strange providence, some of my papers, about the corruptions of this time, are come to the King’s hand. I know, by the wise and well–affected I shall be censured as not wise nor circumspect enough; but it is ordinary, that that should be a part of the cross of those who suffer for Him. Yet I love and pardon the instrument; I would commit my life to him, nevertheless by him this has befallen me. But I look higher than to him. I make no question of your Ladyship’s love and care to do what you can for my help, and am persuaded that, in my adversities, your Ladyship will wish me well. I seek no other thing but that my Lord may be honored by me in giving a testimony. I was willing to do Him more service; but seeing He will have no more of my labors, and this land will thrust me out, I pray for grace to learn to be acquaint with misery, if I may give so rough a name to such a mark of those who shall be crowned with Christ. And nevertheless I will possibly prove a faint–hearted, unwise man in that, yet I dare say I intend otherwise; and I desire not to go on the tolerant or sunny side of religion, or to put truth between me and a storm: my Savior did not do so for me, who in His suffering took the windy side of the brae. No farther; but the Son of God be with you.

Anwoth, Dec. 5, 1634
[Letters of Samuel Rutherford]

I could find no one part of Divinity more profitable in these times…than that which consisteth more in experience and practice, than in theory and speculation; and more principally tendeth to the sanctification of the heart, than the informing of the judgement and the increasing of knowledge; and to the stirring up of all to the practice of what they k now in the duties of a godly life, and in bringing forth the fruits of faith in new obedience; than to fit them for discourse.
—John Downame “Guide to Godliness”

Poppy was a wee little mite; and very very fragile, being old and unwell. She was about half the size of most regular sized cats.  Meanie however, ever since she first started visiting, has been tall, yet in other ways, seh was hideously undeveloped through  not being fed enough; she had a kittens body. But little ME-anie has turned into a big monster, tho she’s a gentle giant to be sure.

And below we have ME-anie playing in the back yard today; ME-anie was always more nervouos being in a multple cat home, yet Poppy wouldn’t have hurt a fly, but since Pop’s passing, Meanie has gained more and more confidence and is literally thriving. Its not softened the blow to losing Poppy exactly, but its at least some good to come out of it, and she was old and ill, and none of us, man or beast can live forever.
As you can see, ME-anie is a lively little customer, but she loves to play with me there, I think she will be very glad when the warm weather comes and either the door out into the yard is open or I am out there with her.

If the Church is to gain over the world, men must recognize her faith and zeal and self-sacrificing love, and in these trace the evidences of Christ’s abiding presence with her as her living Head. In Disruption times this was what men lived and prayed for, and they did not pray in vain.  [Thomas Brown-Annals of Disruption]

God does not require of us such cheerfulness as to remove all bitterness of pain. Otherwise the patience of the saints would not in the cross unless they were tormented by pain, felt agony, when someone caused them trouble.
Likewise, if poverty were not harsh and bitter for them, if they did not endure some torment in the disease, if disgrace did not stab them, if dread did not hang over them, what fortitude or moderation would there be in scorning all these things?
But since each of these has bitterness attached that by nature stabs all our hearts, therein is proved the fortitude of a faithful man, if tried by a feeling of such harshness, yet valiantly resisting he strives constantly to resist, surmount and rise above them. In this is patience is shown if, pricked by this same feeling, he is at all times restrained by fear of God, as by a bridle, which will not let him break forth in any intemperate act.
In this appears his joy and cheerfulness, if being struck by sadness and sorrow, he nonetheless gives himself to God’s spiritual consolation. The combat that the faithful, following patience and moderation, wage against the natural feeling of sorrow is well described by St. Paul: “Tribulation we endure in all things, but are not in distress. Poverty we endure, but are not left destitute. Persecution we endure, but are not deserted. Cast down we are, but perish not.”
—John Calvin

Because  man is so welded to the world and dotes upon his lust, all the arguments that we can use are most commonly unsuccessful. Therefore I shall add one more upon this sort of motives drawn from the qualifications of him whom I would fain have you acquainted with… Consider that he is altogether lovely; he’s made of love, goodness, and all excellencies…Ask of them that by faith have seen him.
—James Janeway “Heaven upon Earth: Jesus the Best Friend of Man”

What is the substance of the whole Bible? does not almost every chapter speak of God’s desire to be reconciled to man? Behold, he calls you. He offers you his  Son, a kingdom, a crown. Behold, the Father meets, he makes haste, to meet his returning prodigal.
—James Janeway “Heaven upon Earth: Jesus the Best  Friend of Man”

Original spelling:

I can resemble our Saviour to nothing better, than to a wise and skilfull Pylot, who seeing his company sicke, and weary with continuall stormes at sea, whenneth hee knoweth hee is neare any land, letteth his sick, and faint-hearted company go on shoare to refresh themselves, to get aire of the land, to take in new victuals and provision, to serve the neccessitie of their succeeding voyage: but if hee finde them to begin to be enamoured with love of the land, and the pleasures thereof, staright wayes he sendeth a boat on shoare, and reclaimes them from the surfet of their pleasures, telling them, if any amongst them would bee at home, at his owne countrie, hee must come aboard againe; for it is not the dallying with the pleasures of a strange country, that will bringe him home to his own soyle.
—William Wishart “An expostion of the Lord’s Prayer”

Modern English:

I can resemble our Saviour to nothing better, than to a wise and skilfull Pilot, who seeing his company sick, and weary with continual storms at sea, whenneth he knoweth he is near any land, letteth his sick, and faint-hearted company go on shore to refresh themselves, to get air of the land, to take in new victuals and provision, to serve the neccessity of their succeeding voyage: but if he find them to begin to be enamoured with love of the land, and the pleasures thereof, staright wayes he sendeth a boat on shore, and reclaims them from the surfet of their pleasures, telling them, if any amongst them would be at home, at his own country, he must come aboard again; for it is not the dallying with the pleasures of a strange country, that will bring him home to his own soil.

Thoughts are the spies and messengers of hope; it sends them into the promised land to bring the soul tidings from thence… By this means we preoccupy and forestall the contentment of what we expect and feast the soul with images and suppositions of what is to come, as if it were already present.. . If we did look upon ourselves as “heirs of the kingdom of heaven” and “co-heirs with Christ” we would think of that happy estate more than we do, and set us in the midst of the glory of the world to come, as if we did see Christ upon his throne, and Paul with his crown of righteousness, and all the blessed in Abraham’s bosom.
—Thomas Manton “The Epistle of Jude”

Be of good cheer, Christian. The time is near when God and you shall be near, and as near as you can desire. You will dwell in his family.. in his presence. You will be his child, and he will be your Father. You shall be an heir of his Kingdom.

Marvel not, Christian, how it can be eternal life to know God and Jesus Christ. To enjoy God and Christ is eternal life, and the soul’s enjoying is in knowing. They that savour only of earth, and consult with flesh, think it a poor happiness to know God. But we know that we are of God, and the whole world lies in wickedness. And we know that the Son of God is come, and has given us an understanding, that we may know him who is true. And we are in him that is true, even in his Son, Jesus Christ. this is the true God, and eternal life
—Richard Baxter.

I have some stuff I hope to get up soon, DV, about the puritan Richard Rogers.  But for now, I would just like to submit this poem I came across; it wasn’t for me the easiest text to understand, but,  it did seem to be telling in vivid imagery, the way God corners those who are His.

I fled Him, down the nights and down the days;
I fled Him, down the arches of the years;
I fled Him, down the labyrinthine ways
Of my own mind; and in the mist of tears
I hid from Him, and under running laughter.
Up vistaed hopes I sped;
And shot, precipitated,
Adown Titanic glooms of chasmèd fears,
From those strong Feet that followed, followed after.
But with unhurrying chase,
And unperturbéd pace,
Deliberate speed, majestic instancy,
They beat—and a Voice beat
More instant than the Feet—
“All things betray thee, who betrayest Me.”

I pleaded, outlaw-wise,
By many a hearted casement, curtained red,
Trellised with intertwining charities;
(For, though I knew His love Who followèd,
Yet was I sore adread
Lest, having Him, I must have naught beside.)
But, if one little casement parted wide,
The gust of His approach would clash it to:
Fear wist not to evade, as Love wist to pursue.
Across the margent of the world I fled,
And troubled the gold gateways of the stars,
Smiting for shelter on their clangèd bars:
Fretted to dulcet jars
And silvern chatter the pale ports o’ the moon.
I said to Dawn: Be sudden—to Eve: Be soon;
With thy young skiey blossoms heap me over
From this tremendous Lover—
Float thy vague veil about me, lest He see!
I tempted all His servitors, but to find
My own betrayal in their constancy,
In faith to Him their fickleness to me,
Their traitorous trueness, and their loyal deceit.
To all swift things for swiftness did I sue;
Clung to the whistling mane of every wind.
But whether they swept, smoothly fleet,
The long savannahs of the blue;
Or whether, Thunder-driven,
They clanged his chariot ’thwart a heaven,
Plashy with flying lightnings round the spurn o’ their feet:—
Fear wist not to evade as Love wist to pursue.
Still with unhurrying chase,
And unperturbéd pace,
Deliberate speed, majestic instancy,
Came on the following Feet,
And a Voice above their beat—
“Naught shelters thee, who wilt not shelter Me.” continue

Why is hope compared to a helmet? The helmet defends the head… from dint of bullet and sword… This hope defends the soul… whereby no dangerous or deadly impression can by Satan or sin be made on it.. As the helmet defends the soldier’s head from wounding, so his heart also from swooning. It makes him bold and fearless in battle.
A man cannot drown so long as his head is above water. Now it is the proper function of  hope to do this for the Christian in times of danger… Two things make the head hang down–fear and shame. Hope eases the Christian’s heart of both.. and so forbids him to give any sign of a desponding mind by a dejected countenance.
—William Gurnall “The Christian in complete Armour”

The blessed God has laid the platform and the foundations of his temple, as it was to be restored and set up again among men, in and by that great Emmanuel, his own Son made flesh… an incarnate God among men, and a Man inhabited by all the fullness of God.. a most perfect temple…”God with us.”
Here [in Christ] were met together man that could die, and God that could overcome death; man that might suffer, and God that could give sufficient value to those sufferings; sufficient to atone to the offended Majesty, and procure that life might be diffused…to all that should unite with him, whereby they might become living stones,  joined to that living cornerstone–a spiritual temple, again capable of that divine presence which they had aforfeited and whereof they were forsaken.
God was to have the first and leading part in reconciliations, as man has in disagreements.
—John Howe “The Living Temple”

The day of Christ’s coming is a day of manifestation. All is n ow hidden. Christ is hidden, the saints are hidden, their life is hidden (Col. 3:3), their glory is hidden, but t hen shall Christ appear, and we shall appear with him in glory… It is a day of perfection…Here  we are very weak… there is some fuit of sin continued upon the body; but then body and soul are united, and perfectly glorified to praise God in heaven… It is a day of congregation, or gathering together. The saints are now scattered, they live in various countries and ages, but then all meet in one assembly and congregation. [We have] an earnest, well-grounded expectation of blessedness to come.
—Thomas Manton

To believe in Christ for redemption, for justification, for sanctification, is but one half of the duty of faith–it respects Christ only as he died and suffered for us, as he made atonement for our sins, peace with God and reconciliation for us, as his righteousness is imputed to us for justification… we are exhorted to receive him and believe in him, but that is not all that is required of us.  Christ in the gospel is proposed to us as our pattern and example of holiness… Wherefore let us be much in the contemplation of what he was, what he did, how in all instances of duties and trials he carried himself, until an image or idea of his perfect holiness is implanted in our minds, and we are made like him thereby.
—John Owen “Discourse on the Holy Spirit”

I do not and have not read fiction, of any kind, for a very long time now it seems. My reasons for this, are, that I have an illness that is likely to not give me as long on earth than I may have otherwise expected, (even given none of us know how long we have), and to me, reading fiction did not fulfill the Biblical mandate of Redeeming the time well, because there was absolutely no spiritual gain to be had by it. And reading books, any book, takes huge chunks of time.  I know other Christians who also do not read fiction, though I am unaware of what their own reasons are, but the above is mine.  It was pleasing to me under that consideration, to read In John Newton’s autobiography, how he laid aside his earthly pleasures this way,  his times of recreation in them, for very similar reasons.  The art of self denial or the practice of it to any extent,  needs to be brought back into the church as part of daily life for all professors; because many Professors, (though by far not all) wouldn’t know how to practice self denial if their life depended upon it, it often seems.  Christ said,  let any man who followed him take up his cross and deny himself, (Matt 16:24), yet by enlarge the spirit of self-denial seems to belong to a bygone age.  I also note in the below quote, that when Newton is taking of the things he laid aside, he also didn’t want learning or knowledge for its own sake; he laid them aside, realizing the real riches, were not knowledge for its own  sake,   but Christ, and the empowerment of the Holy Spirit by being nourished enough by what he fed upon, for him to practice experimental religion, and  not merely  have knowledge without understanding or practice. I’m afraid to say, that many or even most of us today, (self included) have more theology and learning than we know or have the ability to practice ind day to day life, which is a reflection of the age we live in I think, where filling our brains with as much information as we can,  because we can show off or out-do each other in our learning and knowledge, than does  heart work.

John Newton’s example is a worthy one to be followed I believe:

Having now much leisure time, I committed myself to the study of Latin with good success. In the space of two or three voyages I became tolerably acquainted with the best classics. I conceived a plan of becoming a Ciceronian myself, and I thought it would be a fine thing indeed to write pure and elegant Latin. I wrote some essays, but by this time the Lord was p leased to draw me nearer to Himself. he gave me a fuller view of the “Pearl of great price” (Matt. 13:46), the inestimable treasure hid in the file of the Holy Scriptures. For the ake of this, I was willing to part with all my newly-acquired riches.
I began to think that life was too short, especially my life, for such elaboratete trifling. Neither poet nor historian could tell me a word of Jesus, and I therefore applied myself to those who could. the classics were at first confined to one morning in te week, and at length, completely laid aside I prefer Buchanan’s Psalms to a whole shelf of Elzevirs. I have gained much from Latin since it enables me to read any useful or interesting book in that language. Beyond this, however, I have no interest. About the same time, and for the same reason, I laid aside mathematics. I found that it not only took up considerable time, but also so engrossed my thoughts that my  head was literally full of it. I was weary of cold, contemplative truths that can neither warm nor amend the heart, but rather tend to amplify self. I found no traces of this “wisdom” in the life of Jesus or the writings of Paul. I do not regret that I have had some opportunities of knowing the first principles of these things, but I praise the Lord that He inclined me to stop in time. While I was “spending my labour for that which is not bread” (Isa. 55:2), he was pleased to set before me “wine and milk, without money and without price” (Isa. 55:1)
—John Newton “Out of the depth’s”

The first cause of distraction in God’s service is secret atheism. There is an atheism of the head, an atheism of the heart, and an atheism of the life. In the first, “The fool hath said in his heart that there is no God,” (Ps. 14:1). Mark, it is not, he has thought in his heart, but says it by rote to himself, rather as what he would have, than what he does believe… It is notorious madness to conclude, from the variety and diversity of opinions about religion and government, that there is no God, seeing you are supported by Him, while you dispute and argue about Him.
Athiesm of the heart is that whereby the fool says, “also in his heart, there is no God;” that is either secretly questions or heartily wishes there were none at all. And it is worth observing both of these, that they are such as are obnoxious to the Divine Majesty….
Atheism of the life is to “profess that they know God; but in works they deny Him” (Titus 1:16). Now these latter originate from the first, and the last is most visible in our distractions; for if you did truly believe God present in an ordinance, as he that sits next to you, dare you trifle so egregiously as you do? The minister looks at you and you dare not talk; if you saw Him that looks at you from Heaven, you would dare not wander…
The remedy of this evil is, humbly to read the Scriptures, which is the most clear, certain and convincing way to work faith herein. Prayer and the Bible have convinced more than any other arguments…
—Richard Steele “A remedy for Wandering Thoughts” pp. 60-63

I watched this video earlier, was somewhat fascinated by it, wondering how it was going to end. And also because some years ago, it could have been written by me. Thought about posting it at first as an encouragement to the survivors of abuse, as it struck me perhaps it was written from that angle. The girl in the video, who wrote the poem or text, keeps talking about how people always care, lots and lots of them, and how you don’t have to cope alone. That is not always true, its not been true for me for a very long time now, though I have friends, they are far away. But, there is also another common hyperbole in this poem or text, that the person considering suicide has low self-esteem, and a low opinion of themselves. Actually, that is not true, it is what we have been led to understand in by the psychiactric movement all pervading our lives as far as us knowing the diagnoses and causes of so-called mental illness, it is one of the great myths of our age. Yet, people considering or about to take their own life, are actually experiencing the very opposite of low self-esteem. They are hurting, without a doubt, but the reason they are considering taking their own life, is because they believe they deserve better in life than they have; better from people, or just better from life in general, which actually indicates quite high-self esteem, that they think more or themselves than perhaps other people do, and they think they deserve better.
Friends, you, I, and everyone is deserving of hell. Anything we have above that, is a manifold blessing and a reason to praise God in thankfulness.
I could understand where the author was coming from, having felt every thing she wrote at one time or another. Yet, the thing I have disagreed with in this post are still true.
Of course, some of us are dying a long, agonizingly painful death alone; albeit slowly. And when you have no loved ones or dependants, a perfect scenario has been made for euthanasia. And yes, in the last few year at times that has seemed a viable option, perhaps the only option, open to me. But no: yes, I feel my aloneness deeply at times, till it cut like a knife and pierces my heart and till it feel so tortuous while so sick, that it feels like a knife in my heart and that I can’t stand it another moment; but, friends are the answer as the video suggests? Well, friends and loved ones are a blessing, and are part of the solution and answer no doubt, as we all need people, none of us are an island. But the only lasting answer, or complete answer, is the love of Jesus Christ.
My days are hard at times, when my illness increases and the isolation in such phsyical suffering feels like it will send me insane. And at those times, I do not in all honesty, know how to not feel all I feel, not yet at least. Yet, at any other time but those times, when still suffering beyond what most people can imagine, in illness, and still all alone, except for my cat, depite the gravity of the suffering, through the love of Christ and the power of His Spirit, I have honestly been enabled to say at any other times, and mean it with my whole heart, that HIS grace is sufficient, the Lord is my portion, and that I have learned to be content whatsoever my condition. All except those times above, I would say this is true for me.
Yes, Euthansia or self-murder has seemed an option at times, who wouldn’t it do to anyone in a similar boat? But, if you learn to be content whatsoever one’s condition, then no matter one’s condition, you can say along with Paul, also, that to live is Christ, to die is gain. [2 Cor 12:9; Phil. 4:11; Psalm 73:26; Phil. 1:19-23; Phil. 3:8-9;]

To close this post with another video, yet unlike the first one, this one is through the eyes of faith: