I have times, in my sufferings, especially in how alone I am, where darkness comes upon me. I long for relief and refreshment from the things I feel, that have no expression. I long to see a friend, a certain friend, and I wonder if I ever may again. And I start examing myself, to see if there is something in me, that is causing such great affliction, something I could start to fix on an internal level. And there is one thing I have been aware of for a long time. I am a very poor pray-er. I struggle with my prayer life on a very mass scale. And I have started to address this, it’s the only thing I am aware of, that could be perhaps causing me to suffer as much as I am. But on another level, I don’t think any of us will ever find complete happiness, complete contentment, until we have the wedding feast. I am not talking about in the next life, where we go to be with the Groom, but in this life. When internal sincerity fully mathces external faithfulness. We all have areas of unbelief, ignorance, things that we are lacking in. No matter how good we may seem in others eyes, as far as striving for more and more righteous living. We must keep striving though, because I believe in our trials, we only feel unhappiness, because no matter how sincere we may be, we have not made agood enough match as far as the wedding feat here on earth. That our internal sincerity doesn’t match our external faithfulness in lots of ways. And that’s why we feel darkness, or discontent, or longing for more than we have.

24 O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death?

²⁵I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin. [Romans 7:24-5]