Some time in February 1738-9, I set apart a day for secret fasting and prayer, and spend the day in almost incessant cries to God for mercy, that He would open my eyes to see the evil of sin and the way of life by Jesus Christ. And God was pleased that day to make considerable discoveries of my heart to me. But still I trusted in all the duties I performed; though there was no manner of goodness in the duties I then performed, there being no manner to respect to the glory of God in them, nor any such principle in my heart. Yet God was pleased to make my endeavors that day a means to show my helplessness in some measure.
Sometimes I was greatly encouraged and imagined that God loved me and was pleased with me, and thought I should soon be fully reconciled to God; while the whole was founded on mere presumption, arising from enlargement in duty, or flowing from affections, or some good resolutions and the like. And when at times, great distress began to arise, on a sight of my vileness and nakedness, and inability to deliver myself from a Sovereign God, I used to put off the discovery, as what I could not bear. Once I remember a terrible pang of distress seized me, and the thoughts of renouncing myself and standing naked before God, stripped of all goodness, were so dreadful to me, that I was ready to say to them, as Felix to Paul, Go thy way for this time. Thus I longed daily for greater conviction of sin, supposing that I must see more of my dreadful state in order to a remedy; yet, when the discoveries of my vile hellish heart were made to me, the sight was so dreadful, and showed me so plainly my exposedness to damnation, that I could not endure it. I constantly strove after whatever qualifications I imagined others obtained before the reception of Christ, in order to recommend me to His favour. Sometimes, I felt the power of a hard heart, and supposed it must be softened before Christ would accept of me; and when I felt any melting's of heart, I hoped now the work was almost done. And hence, when my distress still remained, I was wont to murmur at God's dealings with me; and thought, when others felt their hearts softened, God showed them mercy; but my distress remained still.
Sometimes I grew remiss and sluggish, without any great convictions of sin, for a considerable time together; but, after such a season, conviction sometimes seized me more violently. One night, I remember in particular, when I was walking solitarily abroad, I had opened to me such a view of my sin that I feared the ground would cleave asunder under my feet, and become my grave, and send my soul quick into hell, before I could get home. And though I was forced to go to bed, lest my distress should be discovered by others, which I must feared; yet I was scarce durst asleep at all, for I thought it would be a great wonder if I should be out of hell in the morning. And though my distress was sometimes thus great, yet I greatly dreaded the loss of convictions, and returning back to a state of carnal security, and to my former insensibility of impending wrath; which made me exceeding exact in my behavior, lest I should stifle the motions of God's Spirit. When at any time I took a view of my convictions of my own sinfulness, and I thought the degree of them to be considerable, I was wont to trust in my convictions. But this confidence, and the hopes that arose in me from it, soon making some notable advances towards deliverance, would ease my mind and I soon became more senseless and remiss; but then again, when I discerned my convictions to grow languid, and I thought them about to leave me, this immediately alarmed and distressed me. Sometimes I expected to take a large step, and get very far towards conversion, by some particular opportunity or means I had in view.
The many disappointments and great distresses and perplexity I met with, put me into a most horrible frame of contesting with the Almighty, with an inward vehemence and virulence, finding fault with His ways of dealing with mankind. I found great fault with the imputations of Adam's sin to his posterity;; and my wicked heart often wished for some other way of salvation than by Jesus Christ. And being like the troubled sea, and my thoughts confused, I used to contrive to escape the wrath of God by some other means, and had strange projections, full of atheism, contriving to disappoint God's designs and decrees concerning me, or to escape God's notice and hide myself from Him. But when, upon reflection, I saw these projections were in vain, and would not serve me, and that I could contrive nothing for my own relief, this would throw my mind into the most horrid frame, to wish there was no God, or to wish there were some other God that could control Him. These thoughts and desires were the secret inclinations of my heart, there were frequently acting before I was aware; but alas! they were mine although I was affrighted with them, when I came to reflect on them. When I considered of it, it distressed me to think that my heart was so full of enmity against God; and it made me tremble, lest God's vengeance should suddenly fall upon me. I used before to imagine my heart was not so b ad as the Scriptures and some other books represented. Sometimes I used to take pains to work it up into a good frame, a humble and submissive disposition; and hoped there was then some goodness in me. B ut it may be on a sudden, the thoughts of the strictness of the law, or the sovereignty of God, would so irritate the corruption of my heart, which I had so watched over, and hoped I had brought to a good frame, that it would break over all bounds, and burst forth on all sides, like floods of waters when they break down their dam.
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