But, being sensible of the necessity of a deep humiliation in order to a saving close with Christ, I used to set myself to work in my own heart those convictions that's were requisite in such an humiliation; as a conviction that God would be just, if he cast me off for ever; and that, if ever God should bestow mercy on me, it would be mere grace, though I should be in distress many years first, and never be so much engaged duty; that God was not in the least obliged to pity me for all passed duties, cries and tears. These things I strove to my utmost to bring myself to a firm belief of and hearty assent to; and hoped that now I was brought off from myself, and truly humbled and bowed to the divine sovereignty; and was wont to tell God in my prayers that now I had those very dispositions of soul that he required, and on which he showed mercy to others, and thereupn to beg and plead for mercy to me. But, when all I found no relief, and was still oppressed with guilt and fears of wrath, my soul was in a tummult, and my heart rose against God, as dealing hardly with me. Yet then my conscience flew in my face, putting me in mind of my late confession to God of his justice in my condemnation. And this giving me a sight of the badness of my heart, threw me again into distress, and I wished I had watched my heart more narrowly, to keep it from breaking out against gods dealings with me, and I even wished I had not pleaded for mercy on account of my humiliation, because thereby I had lost or my seeming goodness.
Thus, scores of times, I vainly imagined myself humbled and prepared for saving mercy.
While I was in this distressed, bewildered, and tumultuous state of mind, the corruption of my heart was especially irritated with these things following:
First, the strictness of the divine law. For I found it was impossible for me, after my utmost pains, to answer the demands of it. I often made new resolutions, and as often broke them. I imputed the whole to carelessness, and the want of being more watchful, and used to call myself a fool for my negligence. But when, upon a stronger resolution, and greater endeavors, and close application of myself to fasting and prayer, I found all attempts fail, then I quarrelled with the Law of God as unreasonably rigid. I thought, if it extended only to my outward actions and behavior, I could bear with it; but I found it condemned many for my evil thoughts, and sins of my heart, which by could not possibly prevent. I was extremely loth to give out, and own my utter helplessness in this matter; but after repeated disappointments, thought that, rather than perish by could do a little more still, especially if such and such circumstances might but attend my endeavors and strivings. I hoped that I should strive more earnestly than ever, if the matter came to extremity, though I never could find the time to do my utmost, in the manner I intended. And this hope of future more favorable circumstances, and of doing something greater here after, kept me from utter despair in myself, and from seeing myself falling into the hands of a sovereign God, and dependent on nothing but free and boundless grace.
Secondly, another thing was, that faith alone was the condition of salvation; and that God would not come down to lower terms, that he would not promise life and salvation upon my sincere and hearty prayers and endeavors. That word, he that believeth not shall be damned, cut off all hope there; and all I found, faith was the sovereign gift of God; that I could not get it as of myself, and could not oblige God to bestow it upon my, by any of my performances. This, I was ready to say, is a hard saying, who can bare it? I could not bear that all I had done should stand for mere nothing, who had been very conscientious ingenuity, and had been exceeding religious a great while, and had, as I thought, done much more than many others who had obtained mercy. I confessed indeed the vileness of my duties; but then, what made them at that time seemed vile, was my wandering thoughts in them; not because I was all over defiled like a devil, and the principal corrupt from whence they flowed, so that I could not possibly do anything that's was good. And therefore I called what I did by the name of honest, faithful endeavors, and could not bear it that God had made no promises of salvation to them.
Previous Page
