Thirdly, Another thing was, that I could not find out what faith was; or what it was to believe, and come to Christ. I read the calls of Christ, made to the weary and heavy laden; but could find no way that He directed them to come in. I thought, I would gladly come, if I knew how, though the path of duty directed to were never so difficult. I read Mr. Stoddard's Guide to Christ, which I trust was, in the hand of God, the happy means of my conversion, and my heart rose against the author; for though he told me my very heart all along under convictions, and seemed to be very beneficial to me in his direction; yet here he failed, he did not tell me anything I could do, that would bring me to Christ, but left me, as it were, with a great gulf between me and Christ, without any direction to get through. For I was not yet effectually and experimentally taught that which is supernatural, and which the highest angel cannot give.
Fourthly, Another thing that I found a great inward opposition to, was the Sovereignty of God. I could not hear that it should be wholly at God's pleasure, to save or damn me, just as He would. That passage, Romans ix. 11-23, was a constant vexation to me, especially verse 21. The reading or meditating on this always destroyed my seeming good frames. When I thought I was almost humbled, and almost resigned to God's Sovereignty, the reading or thinking on this passage would make my enmity against the Sovereignty of God appear. And when I came to reflect on my inward enmity and blasphemy, which arose on this occasion, I was the more afraid of God, and driven further from any hopes of reconciliation with Him. And it gave me such a dreadful view of myself, that I dreaded more than ever to see myself in God's hands, and at His sovereign disposal, and it made me more opposite than ever to submit to His sovereignty; for I thought God designed my damnation.
All this time the Spirit of God was powerfully at work with me; and I was inwardly pressed to relinquish all self-confidence, all hopes of ever helping myself by any means whatsoever. And the conviction of my lost estate was sometimes so clear and manifest before my eyes, that was as if it had been declared to me in so many words, "It is done, it is done, it for ever impossible to deliver yourself." For almost three or four days my soul was thus distressed, especially at some turns, when for a few moments I seemed to myself lost and undone; but then would shrink back immediately from the sight, because I dared not venture myself into the hands of God, as wholly helpless and at the disposal of HIs sovereign pleasure. I dare not see that important truth concerning myself, that I was dead in trespasses and sins. But when I had, as it were, thrust away these views of myself at any time, I felt distressed to have the same discoveries of myself again; for I greatly feared being given over to God to final stupidity. When I thought of putting it off to a more convenient season, the conviction was so close and powerful with regard to the present time, that it was the best time, and probably the only time, that I dared not put it off. It was the sight of truth concerning myself, truth respecting my state as a creature fallen and alienated from God that consequently could make no demands on God for mercy, but must subscribe to the absolute sovereignty of the divine Being; the sight of the truth, I saw, my soul shrank away from, and trembled to think of beholding. Thus, He that doth evil, as all unregenerate men continually do, hates the light of truth, neither cares to come to it, because it will reprove his deeds, and show him his just deserts. And though some time before, I had taken much pains, as I thought, to submit to the Sovereignty of God, yet I mistook the thing; and did not once imagine that seeing and being made experimentally sensible of this truth, which my soul now so much dreaded and trembled at a sense of, was the frame of soul that I had been so earnest in pursuit of heretofore. For I had ever hoped that, when I had attained to that humiliation, which I supposed necessary to go before faith, then it would not be fair for God to cast me off. But now saw it was so far from any goodness in me, to own myself spiritually dead and destitute of all goodness, that on the contrary, my mouth would be forever stopped by it; and it looked as dreadful to me to see myself, and the relation I stood in to God as a sinner, and I a criminal, and He a great judge and Sovereign, as it would be to a poor trembling creature to venture off some high precipice. And hence I put it off for a minute or two, and tried for better circumstances to do it in. Either I must read a passage or two, or pray first, or something of the like nature; or else put off my submission to God's sovereignty, with an objection that I did not know how to submit. But the truth was, I could see no safety in owning myself in the hands of a Sovereign God, and that I could lay no claim to anything better than damnation.
But after a considerable time spent in such like exercises and distresses, one morning, while I was walking in a solitary place as usual, I at once saw that all my contrivances, and projections to effect or procure deliverance and salvation for myself, were utterly in vain. I was brought quite to stand as finding myself totally lost. I had thought, many times before, that the difficulties in my way were very great; but now I saw, in another and very different light, that it was for ever impossible for me to do anything towards helping or delivering myself. I then thought of blaming myself that I had not done more, and been more engaged, while I had opportunity; for it seemed now as if the season of doing was for ever over and gone. But I instantly saw that, let me have done what I would, it would no more have tended to my helping myself than what I had done; that I had made all the pleas I ever could have made to all eternity; and that all my pleas were in vain. The tumult that had been before in my mind was now quieted; and I was something eased of that distress which I felt while struggling against a sight of myself and of the divine sovereignty. I had the greatest certainty that my state was forever miserable, for all that I could do; and wondered, and was almost astonished that I never been sensible of it before.
In the time while I remained in this state, my notions respecting my duties were quite different from what I had ever entertained in times past. Before this, the more I did in duty, the more I thought God was obliged to me; or at least, the more hard I thought it would be for God to cast me off; though at the same time I confessed, and thought I saw, that there was no goodness or merit in my duties. But now, the more I did in prayer or any other duty, the more I saw I was indebted to God for allowing me to ask for mercy; for I saw it was self-interest had led me to pray, and that I had never once prayed from any respect to the glorify of God. Now I saw there was no necessary connection between my prayers and the bestowment of divine mercy; that they laid not the least obligation upon God to bestow His grace upon me; and that there was no more virtue or goodness in them than there would be in my paddling with my hand in the water, which was the comparison I had then in my mind; and this because they were not performed from any love or regard to God. I saw that I had been heaping up my devotions before God, fasting and praying, pretending, and indeed really thinking at some times, that I was aiming at the glory of God; whereas I never once truly intended it, but only my own happiness. I saw that, as I had never done anything for God, I had no claim to lay anything from Him but perdition, on account of my hypocrisy and mockery. O how different did my duties now appear from what they used to do! I used to charge them with sin and imperfection; but this was only on account of the wanderings and vain thoughts attending them, and not because I had no regard to God in them; for this I thought I had. But when I saw evidently that I had regard to nothing but self-interest, then they appeared vile mockery of God, self-worship, and a continual course of lies; so that I saw now there was something worse had attended my duties than barely a few wanderings; for the whole was nothing but self-worship, and a horrid abuse of God.
