Brainerd finds the joy of Unspeakable Glory
I continued, as I remember, in this state of mind, from Friday morning till the sabbath evening following, July 12, 1739; when I was walking again in the same solitary place where I was bought to see myself lost and helpless, as was before mentioned; and here, in a mournful melancholy state, was attempting to pray; but found no heart to engage in that or any other duty; my former concern and exercise of religious affections were now gone. I thought, the spirit of God had quite left me; but still was not distressed; yet disconsolate as if there was nothing in heaven or earth could make me happy. And having been thus endeavouring to pray, though being, as I thought, very stupid and senseless, for near half an hour, and by this time the sun was about half an hour high, as I remember, then, as I was walking in a dark thick grove, unspeakable glory seemed to open to my view and apprehension of my soul. I do not mean any external brightness, for I saw no such thing; nor do I intend any imagination of a bright light, somewhere away in the third heavens, or anything of that nature; but it was a new inward apprehension or view that I had of God, such as I never had before, nor anything which had the least resemblance of it. I stood still, and wondered, and admired. I knew that I never had seen before anything comparable to it for excellency and beauty; it was widely different from all the conceptions that ever I had had of God or things divine. I had no particular apprehension of any one person in the Trinity, either the Father, Son, or the Holy Ghost; but it appeared to be divine glory that I then beheld; and my soul rejoiced with joy or unspeakable to see such a God, such a glorious divine Being; and I was inwardly pleased and satisfied that he should be God over all, for ever and ever. My soul was so captivated and delighted with the excellency, loveliness, greatness, and other perfections of God, that I was even swallowed up in him; at least to that degree, that I had no thought, as I remember at first, about my own salvation, and scarce reflected there was such a creature as myself.
Thus God, I trust, bought me to a hearty disposition to exalt him, and set him on the throne, and principally and ultimately to aim at His Honour and Glory, as king of the universe.
I continued in the state of inward joy and peace, yet astonishment, till near dark, without any sensible abatement; and then began to think and examine what I had seen; and felt sweetly composed in my mind all the evening following. I felt myself in a new world, and everything about me appeared with a different aspect from what it was wont to do.
At this time, the way of salvation opened to me with such infinite wisdom, suitableness, and excellency, that I wondered I should ever think of any other way of salvation: was amazed that I had not dropped my own contrivances, and complied with this lovely, blessed, and excellent way before. If I could have been saved by my own duties, or any of the way that I had formally contrived my whole soul would now have refused. I wondered that all the world did not see and comply with this way of salvation, entirely by the righteousness of Christ.
The sweet relish of what I then felt continued with me for several days, almost constantly, in a greater or less degree. I could not but sweetly rejoice in God, lying down and rising up. The next Lord's day I felt something of the same kind, though not so powerful as before. But not long after, was again involved in thick darkness and under great distress; yet not of the same kind with my distress under my convictions. I was guilty, afraid, and ashamed to come before God; was exceedingly pressed with a sense of guilt; but it was not long before I felt, I trust, true repentance and joy in God.
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